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July 11, 2009

One day as I was looking through our VERY high-powered telescope at your planet, I noticed quite a number of Earthlings walking in & out of this peculiar place of business. First, appearing very weary & tired like they just woke up late for work with no time to get dressed. Then minutes later, these same life-forms come out jittery and wide-eyed.

What was this place and why were people flocking there by the dozens? I had to check out what this phenomenon was for myself, and luckily, a new location of this franchise just opened up on our planet. (Ok, It's official... this Java themed amusement park knows no boundaries.)

I walked in and noticed this aromatic fusion of sugar covered feet and Arabica beans, mixed in with a twist of day-old bread (I assumed) and topped off with the distinct scent of plastic from a stack of ignored CD Albums. Interesting, but I still didn't see what the big deal was.

Criminy! A total of twenty other 'soon-to-be-tweaking' multi-limbed life forms were in line ahead of yours truly. This was going to take a while. But needless to say, the feeling of anticipation was starting to build.

Since I honestly had no idea what to order, I asked this walking pimply hyperbole called a Barista what tasted good in this mood altering establishment infested with java craving zombies. It quickly tells me, "Everything!"


Obviously not the answer I was looking for but, I throw down my credits nonetheless and ask it, "What can I get for this? I don't really care what, just give me something to slam back, pronto!"

I ended up getting a beverage that was sized 'Tall'(?) Why they can't simply list the sizes as Small, Medium & Large is a little mind-numbing, but whatever. The drink I ordered was a Mocha-Crappaccino with Spotted Tadpoles and Sprinkles. I don't know if tadpoles are down there on your menu, but they are over here. (Note: once you get past the squirming sensation in your mouth, you should be fine. Otherwise you'll simply experience a mild psychotic episode. Nothing big.)

Anyway, I take a sip out of this tiny cup, and before I know it, my tongue is dead. Why would you do this to yourself? This is horrible! My tongue is burning!

But I have to go on...

So I let my drink cool a little, and drink up.

OH MY STARS AND GARTERS! I never knew joy like this! What a marvelous drink! Pure heaven! I understand now. I understand why you wake up early to spend 10-15 minutes in line. I understand why your teeth are brown and your breathe smells like day-old meat. It's because of this wonderful & mesmerizing drink called 'Coffee.'

Wow, I'm awake now! And I feel like another one! Or two. Um...ok, make it six.

Damn you, Starbucks. Damn you to Hell.